Dream a little dream for me.

3 Feb

I had a dream the other night where I announced that I was leaving school.  The reaction I got was nothing like I ever expected.  People were sad to see me go.  I especially recall an image from my dream.  I was staring at many faces, many of them were actually crying because I was leaving.  I was so moved and touched that I said, “well, maybe I won’t like it and I’ll come back.”  Someone in my dream said that that was okay, that they would like that.  But I remember feeling that the person who said this didn’t really think I was coming back, that he was saying it to make me feel better.

All this is a far cry from much of anything I’ve experienced in my life.  If I left today, I don’t think my classmates would be sad to see me go.  Certainly, there would be no one crying, wishing I would stay.  It would be great to have friends that value me so much, they would tear up when I told them I was moving.  But at this point in my life, I would be happy to have friends I can make plans with on weekends.


I am an asshole

29 Oct

I haven’t written in a while.  More late, but for now, the basics:

– I don’t live in New York City anymore.  I moved to the Midwest.

– I broke up with Pam tonight.

– I’ve been seeing someone else since moving back to the Midwest.

– I may be falling in love.  Or at least deep like.

This sucks

21 Aug

I was home the past few days – in the Midwest.  My parents are getting worse.  My mom had such a hard time getting into and out of the car.  She’s in her 50s, which is not that old.  My dad has been eating worse, which is bad for his diabetes.  I think he’s sick of eating the health food and just wants to live again.

I also talked to my sister on the phone.  Her back is getting worse.  She spent 2 months on disability and the doctors say she needs surgery.

My dad’s monthly income is less than the rent.  My mom doesn’t work.  The Midwest is dying.  Anyone who had a chance already left.  What’s left is a pocket of poverty, crime, and substance abuse.  I don’t my parents living in this.  I walked around town the other day – I was the only one outside, of course, no one walks anymore in the Midwest – and people gave me strange looks from their cars.  Maybe because I’m the only one walking, maybe because I’m not white.  For whatever reason, I felt uncomfortable.  I can’t come back and live/work in the Midwest.  I felt insecure when I grew up there.  Why would I go back?  I feel like I fit in more in NYC.

I want to get my parents out, buy a big house in a city that’s progressive, liberal, and open-minded.  That’s my ultimate dream.


14 Aug

My job offer in Austin is 45k/yr while my NYC job offer is 65k/yr.  You’d think the clear choice is NYC but given the extra set of taxes (Texas has no state tax), the take-home difference is only $7800 per year more in NYC.  7800!  That’s from a nominal different of 20k!  I’d lose more than 50% to taxes!  Sucks

May the better man won.

14 Aug

Ben you prick.  You rich, white-bread, thin, actuary you.  You won Lisa.  Because you’re funny, smart (IQ in the 140s, sir?  congratulations!), rich, white, and (according to Lisa) “look good naked.”  She never said I looked good naked.


13 Aug

I was offered a job in NYC today.  It is a consulting starting doing marketing consulting work for, mostly, CPG companies.  CPG.  That’s the industry I was working in since I started working.  I hate that industry.  We sell things that aren’t necessary to people who don’t need them.  It’s not a lie per se, but it’s damn close.  We make crappy claims (though the claims are substantiated–that was my first job out of college, to help substantiate those claims).  We put the word “New!” on packaging and use it as a selling point (it’s hardly ever that new). 

I didn’t like that industry.  But that’s all my experience.  So I got this job in NYC based on my experience.  I was offered (and accepted) a job in Austin doing market research for electronics and high tech (it’s not as sexy as it sounds.  My first assignments will be in white goods, metering, and UPS.  Grrrr…I won’t work on solar anytime soon).

Part of me thinks I should take the job because, as much as I hate CPG, I could learn some useful skills.  Plus, I probably should stay with Pam.  The only thing that makes me unhappy with Pam is that she’s a bigger girl and I’m not physically attracted to her.  In all other ways, things are great.  And isn’t it selfish of me to want to leave a girl because she’s big?  Especially when I’m kind of big myself.

If I stay in NYC, she wants to move in together, but I think I’d rather get my own place because I can’t quite commit to her.  Damn you Lisa, last night I was thinking how much I love you still.

Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.

12 Aug

Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.  It’s hard for me to get aroused when we make love, mostly because I’m not that physically attracted to her (I do lover her very much).  Nonetheless, the sex was actually decent.  She feels insecure about her body, so she turns the lights out and doesn’t really show her body.  After a year of going out, I haven’t seen her fully nude in a lit room.  I don’t know about you, but I like to see my girlfriend naked.  I want to see her in her underwear. 

When Pam sits on my lap or lays on top of me in bed, I feel crushed.  I know it’s horrible to say, especially since I’m a bit of a fat ass

I see women in the city and I just want to fuck them.  I haven’t fucked in so long.  Isn’t a basic human right?  To feel human, to feel–ironically enough–animal?