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May the better man won.

14 Aug

Ben you prick.  You rich, white-bread, thin, actuary you.  You won Lisa.  Because you’re funny, smart (IQ in the 140s, sir?  congratulations!), rich, white, and (according to Lisa) “look good naked.”  She never said I looked good naked.

whoa

13 Aug

I was offered a job in NYC today.  It is a consulting starting doing marketing consulting work for, mostly, CPG companies.  CPG.  That’s the industry I was working in since I started working.  I hate that industry.  We sell things that aren’t necessary to people who don’t need them.  It’s not a lie per se, but it’s damn close.  We make crappy claims (though the claims are substantiated–that was my first job out of college, to help substantiate those claims).  We put the word “New!” on packaging and use it as a selling point (it’s hardly ever that new). 

I didn’t like that industry.  But that’s all my experience.  So I got this job in NYC based on my experience.  I was offered (and accepted) a job in Austin doing market research for electronics and high tech (it’s not as sexy as it sounds.  My first assignments will be in white goods, metering, and UPS.  Grrrr…I won’t work on solar anytime soon).

Part of me thinks I should take the job because, as much as I hate CPG, I could learn some useful skills.  Plus, I probably should stay with Pam.  The only thing that makes me unhappy with Pam is that she’s a bigger girl and I’m not physically attracted to her.  In all other ways, things are great.  And isn’t it selfish of me to want to leave a girl because she’s big?  Especially when I’m kind of big myself.

If I stay in NYC, she wants to move in together, but I think I’d rather get my own place because I can’t quite commit to her.  Damn you Lisa, last night I was thinking how much I love you still.

Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.

12 Aug

Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.  It’s hard for me to get aroused when we make love, mostly because I’m not that physically attracted to her (I do lover her very much).  Nonetheless, the sex was actually decent.  She feels insecure about her body, so she turns the lights out and doesn’t really show her body.  After a year of going out, I haven’t seen her fully nude in a lit room.  I don’t know about you, but I like to see my girlfriend naked.  I want to see her in her underwear. 

When Pam sits on my lap or lays on top of me in bed, I feel crushed.  I know it’s horrible to say, especially since I’m a bit of a fat ass

I see women in the city and I just want to fuck them.  I haven’t fucked in so long.  Isn’t a basic human right?  To feel human, to feel–ironically enough–animal?

The cherry is broken.

3 Apr

I spend nearly two hours commuting to my temp job each way.  Two hours in the morning.  Two hours at night.  I spend the time in between doing some glorified data entry for a financial institution. 

 In a former life, I had two master’s degrees from a top-rated public university and a consulting gig at a pretty well-known marketing firm.  I quit that gig because I hated the commute.  I moved in with my girlfriend to save money but sat around doing nothing.  I was desperate for a job and this temp job opened up.  My commute is about the same time but my pay is 33% less. 

I’ve been unhappy for a long time.  In my career and educational choices.  With my body.  In my relationship.  My ex-girlfriend accused me of a being a stressful person.  I denied it.  She was probably right.  My father is a bit depressive.  I inherited that from him as well as his weight and receding hairline. 

 The above story about my temp job is emblematic of my life: I make a decision with best intentions but, ultimately, end up in a worse off situation.  I’m writing this blog mostly for myself because I desperately need to make a change in my life: I want a career, a better body, happiness with my family, and I want to find true love where I feel completeness.