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May the better man won.

14 Aug

Ben you prick.  You rich, white-bread, thin, actuary you.  You won Lisa.  Because you’re funny, smart (IQ in the 140s, sir?  congratulations!), rich, white, and (according to Lisa) “look good naked.”  She never said I looked good naked.

whoa

13 Aug

I was offered a job in NYC today.  It is a consulting starting doing marketing consulting work for, mostly, CPG companies.  CPG.  That’s the industry I was working in since I started working.  I hate that industry.  We sell things that aren’t necessary to people who don’t need them.  It’s not a lie per se, but it’s damn close.  We make crappy claims (though the claims are substantiated–that was my first job out of college, to help substantiate those claims).  We put the word “New!” on packaging and use it as a selling point (it’s hardly ever that new). 

I didn’t like that industry.  But that’s all my experience.  So I got this job in NYC based on my experience.  I was offered (and accepted) a job in Austin doing market research for electronics and high tech (it’s not as sexy as it sounds.  My first assignments will be in white goods, metering, and UPS.  Grrrr…I won’t work on solar anytime soon).

Part of me thinks I should take the job because, as much as I hate CPG, I could learn some useful skills.  Plus, I probably should stay with Pam.  The only thing that makes me unhappy with Pam is that she’s a bigger girl and I’m not physically attracted to her.  In all other ways, things are great.  And isn’t it selfish of me to want to leave a girl because she’s big?  Especially when I’m kind of big myself.

If I stay in NYC, she wants to move in together, but I think I’d rather get my own place because I can’t quite commit to her.  Damn you Lisa, last night I was thinking how much I love you still.

Not my friendster

8 Aug

Lisa must have gotten my stupid Friendster invite.  She changed her relationship status to “In a relationship.”  Not that I didn’t know that already from her Facebook.

Been a while…

3 Aug

It’s been a while since I last wrote what turned out to be a drunken tired/lovenote. Since then, strange things have happened.

I was offered a job in the Bay Area working for a startup. The salary would have been decent and I would have gotten stock options. But I turned it down because I thought I wanted to go to law school. Then, I read some scary stuff and didn’t think I could really cut it as a BigLaw associate long enough to pay back $160k in debt.

So I felt like shit for turning down the job in the Bay Area. I emailed them back, basically begging for it back to no avail.

I was able to get an interview for an entry-level job in Austin, paying about $30k less. I was going to go to law school in Austin, but I’m not sure I want to go. For one thing, I’ve fallen more in like with my gf, Pam. I still don’t love her like I loved Lisa, but Pam’s really good to me. She treats me well and makes me feel appreciated, valuable, and worthy of love.

Part of me wants to stay in NYC with Pam, even though I don’t get as passionate about her as I did with Lisa. Lisa and I made love all the time, we made love on her Brooklyn rooftop, in the mornings, at night, in the middle of the day. Pam and I make love less than once a week. I was so physically attracted to Lisa; just laying in bed with her, running my hands over stomach and chest would turn me on. With Pam, it’s really hard to get aroused. So why am I with Pam?

I’m not sure. I admit this won’t make me sound like a great person, but I’m lonely. When I met Pam, I was still depressed over Lisa (4 months after we broke up). And I just wanted a distraction. I was really surprised with got along so well. It really is amazing. I still get along with Pam so well. At the time, though, the distraction from my lonely weekends was nice. A year of being with Pam and I’m finally really feeling like she’s my girlfriend. I’m not as physically attracted to her as I would like (look, I’m no Brad Pitt either, I admit. In my sadder moments, I think I’m fat and ugly) but part of me thinks it would be shallow to break up with someone just based on looks. Looks fade but how you get along with someone stays forever, right?

So part of me wants to go to Austin and maybe start new. The other part wants to stay in NYC and see where things with Pam will go. We may never get married but who knows. I admit that, at age 27, it seems like everyone is pairing off and the pool of eligible women is shrinking.

As for Lisa, I sometimes Google her name, curious as to what she’s up to. Sometimes I still look at her Facebook profile (it’s restricted to friends only–we’re not friends. She hates me for something I did after we broke up. Maybe I’ll write about it another time–you’ll hate me for what I did) and it says she’s still in New York but I have no idea what she’s doing. I imagine she’s probably engaged to Ben, the thin, white, rich actuary who, according to her, “looks good naked.” They’re going to make a bunch of money in NYC, then move out somewhere and buy a house together. She’ll go to medical school and make money too but scale back to take care of the kids. Her kids will be “smart,” because they both have 145+ IQs. I remember when we were together she didn’t want kids. After 4 months of dating Ben, she wanted 2 kids and was sure they would be smart. I remember feeling both disposable and stupid after she told me this. They’ll have a large, traditional Jewish wedding where her friends and parents will be so happy. Her parents are so relieved their daughter found a nice man, not the non-Jewish, non-Christian, non-white I am. I’ll probably be single and make a lot less than 6 figures and still be living with roommates.

But I don’t want this to sound like a pity speech. I’m trying to get control of my life, after a year-long depression after she dumped me. This blog is part of the process. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ll try to be better about that.

Third time’s the charm.

7 May

I’m drunk right now, Lisa.  I wish I knew what you were doing.  I wish I knew if you still thought about me, if even in passing.  I’m in San Francisco right now.  Do you remember how you wanted to go to San Francisco when we were together?   Well, I’m here.  And I think I’ve wanted to come here ever since you broke up with me.  It was a promise we made together.  And even though you’re with this lame-ass boring actuary, who makes six figures, I sometimes think you and I can still get back together.

No, I don’t want you in my life anymore.  Take your rich  boyfriend and live a better life.  I’m still trying to move to SF just like you always wanted, in some pathetic attempt that you will see that I’m here and will want to get back together with me.

He’s so boring!!  I don’t care if he makes money.  He’s boring.  I know you and him have natural chemisty and you both love to hike and travel.  So what?  I’m sorry that I grew up poor and never traveled or hiked.  I’m sorry that I’m not Jewish or white.  Why did you pick someone who was white and Jewish?  It makes me feel like shit.  I’m sorry we never hiked the AT.  Growing up, I never had any money to even eat out, let alone take trips to far-away countries. 

Where you slumming with me?  Did you want to date a non-white, non-Christian person just to say that you dated someone who wasn’t white?  Did you slum it with  me?  I loved you and thought about you every second of every day.  I was happy.  You weren’t happy, it turned out.

Part of me loves you, but that part is small.  Most of me thinks you didn’t understand me or give me the benefit of the doubt.  Still, I wish for one more night with you, to hold you again and wake up to you so we can play again.  I love you.  it’s sad that you’re probably engaged to that boring, thin, rich, smart actuary.  But whatever, it’s true, I love you.  I want you.  If for just one more moment.  Love him.  Love Ben.  He’s not fun. 

I’m drunk.  I feel sad for myself.  I hope you enjoyed Argentina.

Let’s start at the beginning.

19 Apr

It started when Lisa broke up with me. Since she left and found someone else (less than a month later!), I have been miserable.

I moved to New York in July 2005.  I didn’t know anyone and felt a bit lonely.  So I signed up with match.com.  I emailed Lisa and we later met for the first in Coney Island.  She was cute.  I was excited to have someone in my life.

She tried to break up with me a few times, the earliest in Dec 2005.  I don’t know why.  I fought to keep it together and we still kept at it.  Despite that, I was happy.  We laughed a lot, were affectionate to each other, and even made love on her Brooklyn rooftop.

She claimed we fought a lot, but I don’t think that was the case.  She often made comments that she didn’t want to get married and wanted to spend the rest of her life traveling and not settling down.  I felt anxious.  I thought she was trying to push me away with subtle and not-so-subtle hints.  I tried to do what I could to make things easy for her.  I tried to start a business that would make us enough money so she could live abroad and travel.  I was so stressed with starting this tutoring business that I was unpleasant to be around.  We yelled and fought, mostly because I was stressed.  Sometimes I felt like I was doing this for us–for her–and that she didn’t care.  But I never told her that that was why I was starting the business, that it was for her.  I think she thought maybe I was just trying to make a quick buck.

Anyway, we broke up on Feb 24, 2007.  She emailed me and told me it was over.  I found she put a profile in match.com and in less than 3 weeks, she was with someone.  An actuary who makes over $100,000 per year.  So just like that I was replaced.  I’ve been depressed ever since.