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whoa

13 Aug

I was offered a job in NYC today.  It is a consulting starting doing marketing consulting work for, mostly, CPG companies.  CPG.  That’s the industry I was working in since I started working.  I hate that industry.  We sell things that aren’t necessary to people who don’t need them.  It’s not a lie per se, but it’s damn close.  We make crappy claims (though the claims are substantiated–that was my first job out of college, to help substantiate those claims).  We put the word “New!” on packaging and use it as a selling point (it’s hardly ever that new). 

I didn’t like that industry.  But that’s all my experience.  So I got this job in NYC based on my experience.  I was offered (and accepted) a job in Austin doing market research for electronics and high tech (it’s not as sexy as it sounds.  My first assignments will be in white goods, metering, and UPS.  Grrrr…I won’t work on solar anytime soon).

Part of me thinks I should take the job because, as much as I hate CPG, I could learn some useful skills.  Plus, I probably should stay with Pam.  The only thing that makes me unhappy with Pam is that she’s a bigger girl and I’m not physically attracted to her.  In all other ways, things are great.  And isn’t it selfish of me to want to leave a girl because she’s big?  Especially when I’m kind of big myself.

If I stay in NYC, she wants to move in together, but I think I’d rather get my own place because I can’t quite commit to her.  Damn you Lisa, last night I was thinking how much I love you still.

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Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.

12 Aug

Pam and I had sex for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks.  It’s hard for me to get aroused when we make love, mostly because I’m not that physically attracted to her (I do lover her very much).  Nonetheless, the sex was actually decent.  She feels insecure about her body, so she turns the lights out and doesn’t really show her body.  After a year of going out, I haven’t seen her fully nude in a lit room.  I don’t know about you, but I like to see my girlfriend naked.  I want to see her in her underwear. 

When Pam sits on my lap or lays on top of me in bed, I feel crushed.  I know it’s horrible to say, especially since I’m a bit of a fat ass

I see women in the city and I just want to fuck them.  I haven’t fucked in so long.  Isn’t a basic human right?  To feel human, to feel–ironically enough–animal?

That wasn’t so bad.

7 Aug

Met Pam’s mom tonight.  She’s nice.  Reminded me of a Midwestern mom, which is to say she’s really nice and friendly.  Compared to Lisa’s mom, she was a lot nicer.  She didn’t know how to use a chopstick, which I thought was cute.

Meet the parents.

6 Aug

Tonight I’ll meet Pam’s mom for dinner.  Pam will be there and she told me that she warned her mother about asking too many personal questions.  Still, I can’t help that her mother won’t be curious about my plans (I don’t have any concrete ones right).  She’ll be curious if I’ll go to Austin or stay in NYC.

Pam and I stayed up in bed late last night talking about – about love, life, our relationship, where it’s going (or perhaps not going).  I think she was sadder at the end of the conversation than at the beginning.