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Dream a little dream for me.

3 Feb

I had a dream the other night where I announced that I was leaving school.  The reaction I got was nothing like I ever expected.  People were sad to see me go.  I especially recall an image from my dream.  I was staring at many faces, many of them were actually crying because I was leaving.  I was so moved and touched that I said, “well, maybe I won’t like it and I’ll come back.”  Someone in my dream said that that was okay, that they would like that.  But I remember feeling that the person who said this didn’t really think I was coming back, that he was saying it to make me feel better.

All this is a far cry from much of anything I’ve experienced in my life.  If I left today, I don’t think my classmates would be sad to see me go.  Certainly, there would be no one crying, wishing I would stay.  It would be great to have friends that value me so much, they would tear up when I told them I was moving.  But at this point in my life, I would be happy to have friends I can make plans with on weekends.

I am an asshole

29 Oct

I haven’t written in a while.  More late, but for now, the basics:

– I don’t live in New York City anymore.  I moved to the Midwest.

– I broke up with Pam tonight.

– I’ve been seeing someone else since moving back to the Midwest.

– I may be falling in love.  Or at least deep like.

Why don’t I want to stick with Pam?

6 Aug

I sort of went crazy last night and woke Pam up at 2 am and started asking her how she knew I was the one and how she can be so confident in me and us.  She didn’t know I was the one and she’s not confident that we’ll make, but she was willing to go along with the relationship because it was worth trying.

Why do I want to leave NYC and, by extension, Pam?

how much do I owe you?

4 Aug

When can I be free?  How much do I owe you?  I know we broke up over 1 year ago, and I’m over you for the most part, but why do I think about you still?  Part of it is probably due to this blog, where I basically force myself to write about how turmoiled I felt my life has been since our breakup.  But I think it’s more than just this blog.  Before I started putting up these thoughts, I was thinking about probably at least once per day (and, ashamedly, Googling you every so often).

I know I messed up terribly when we were together: I was stressed, I was insensitive, I didn’t take you hiking or camping, I was wrapped up in my pathetic attempt to start a little side business while studying the LSAT.  I know I blew up at you for no reason, other than I felt I had no outlet for my stress.  And I’m sorry.  Deeply, profoundly, irrevocably sorry.  But, over a year later, do I owe anything else?  I apologized to you.  I cried and punched my pillow in frustration.  I lost you.  You found Ben and you will marry him and live happily ever after.  My debt’s repaid.

The thing is, I would guess that you think I should move on, get a life.  You’re right.  You’re also not the one forcing me to write these stupid thoughts.  You’ve moved on.  You’re happy.  I’m the one who is doing this to myself but only because I can’t go a day without thinking about you.

I’m with Pam and we’ve been together since last July.  She’s really good to me.  She’s thoughtful, sensitive, and has never made me feel like I was stupid.  And she gets my stupid Simpsons quotes.  And she laughs at my jokes.  I can let my guard down, for once.  But she’s not as beautiful as you are.  I’m not as sexually attracted to her as I was with you. 

Right now, I’m deciding between getting a job in NYC (and staying with Pam) or going to Austin.  If I stay in NYC, I would still be with Pam.  But we don’t have sex more than once a week.  When we do have sex, I find it hard (pardon the pun) to get aroused.  WIth you, it was easy.  We made love in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night.  You are sexy.  I was so turned on by you.  I was drunk, happy, carefree.  With Pam, we take showers before making love, after we agree that we’ll have sex.  There’s little spark and no passion.  I’m sure she feels it too.  She’s probably with me because she loves me (I love her too) and maybe because she feels like she can’t do better.  I’m with her because I want to be with someone, for once, where I feel comfortable.  I’m sad that the person I feel comfortable with is someone to whom I’m not sexually attracted.

I could just stay in NYC and break up with Pam.  But that won’t work.  She’ll never want to talk to me again and I’ll lose her friendship.  She’s pretty much the only friend I have right now in the city, so I’ll be alone again.  Just like when you broke up with me.  As terrible and weak as it may make me look, I don’t want to be alone.  Being single is one thing but being alone is another.  Lisa, when you broke up with me, I went through a horrible depression, one that I’m starting to get out of now.  But because I’m not as drunk in love with Pam as I was with you, I may never stop obsessing over you.  I need to replace you.  Sometimes when I make love to Pam, I think of you so I can get aroused.  It’s embarrassing and ironic, considering how fat I am and how you must have repulsed to make love to me.

So I can go to Austin and possibly lose the emotionally fulfilling, though sexually frustrating, relationship witih Pam, or I can stay in NYC and grow up and realize that sex and passion aren’t everything.  Or stay in NYC and break up with Pam, knowing that I’ll lose her as a friend as well.  Lisa, considering that I’m in this situation, I think my debt is repaid.  I’ll be unhappy no matter what I do and you’ll still be the love of my life, long after you dumped me and found happiness.  Any blow up or stress I showed you is nothing considering you’ve gotten over it so long ago but I’m going to be unhappy for more than a year after you’ve found happiness.  Maybe I deserve this.  Maybe not.  In any case, as if you don’t know, I’m sorry.  Knowing that I have more unhappiness ahead and more uncertainty in life, I think my debt is repaid.

Ooops…

3 Aug

So apparently Friendster has a feature, like any social networking site, where you type in your email address and password and it will invite friends who you’ve emailed from said account.  Except, unlike Facebook, you have to check a box that says “review before inviting” or some such thing.  If you don’t check the box, it will automatically send the invite.  Of course Lisa was in my gmail account.  And so she probably got an invite from me.  Of course this is after she removed me from her Friendster account.  I’m an idiot.

— update —

My dad called me today and asked me about this strange Friendster email.  Yikes.  Everyone, even people I’ve interviewed for jobs, recruiters, professors must have gotten this Friendster invite.  Damn.