Not my friendster

8 Aug

Lisa must have gotten my stupid Friendster invite.  She changed her relationship status to “In a relationship.”  Not that I didn’t know that already from her Facebook.

That wasn’t so bad.

7 Aug

Met Pam’s mom tonight.  She’s nice.  Reminded me of a Midwestern mom, which is to say she’s really nice and friendly.  Compared to Lisa’s mom, she was a lot nicer.  She didn’t know how to use a chopstick, which I thought was cute.

Meet the parents.

6 Aug

Tonight I’ll meet Pam’s mom for dinner.  Pam will be there and she told me that she warned her mother about asking too many personal questions.  Still, I can’t help that her mother won’t be curious about my plans (I don’t have any concrete ones right).  She’ll be curious if I’ll go to Austin or stay in NYC.

Pam and I stayed up in bed late last night talking about – about love, life, our relationship, where it’s going (or perhaps not going).  I think she was sadder at the end of the conversation than at the beginning.

Why don’t I want to stick with Pam?

6 Aug

I sort of went crazy last night and woke Pam up at 2 am and started asking her how she knew I was the one and how she can be so confident in me and us.  She didn’t know I was the one and she’s not confident that we’ll make, but she was willing to go along with the relationship because it was worth trying.

Why do I want to leave NYC and, by extension, Pam?

how much do I owe you?

4 Aug

When can I be free?  How much do I owe you?  I know we broke up over 1 year ago, and I’m over you for the most part, but why do I think about you still?  Part of it is probably due to this blog, where I basically force myself to write about how turmoiled I felt my life has been since our breakup.  But I think it’s more than just this blog.  Before I started putting up these thoughts, I was thinking about probably at least once per day (and, ashamedly, Googling you every so often).

I know I messed up terribly when we were together: I was stressed, I was insensitive, I didn’t take you hiking or camping, I was wrapped up in my pathetic attempt to start a little side business while studying the LSAT.  I know I blew up at you for no reason, other than I felt I had no outlet for my stress.  And I’m sorry.  Deeply, profoundly, irrevocably sorry.  But, over a year later, do I owe anything else?  I apologized to you.  I cried and punched my pillow in frustration.  I lost you.  You found Ben and you will marry him and live happily ever after.  My debt’s repaid.

The thing is, I would guess that you think I should move on, get a life.  You’re right.  You’re also not the one forcing me to write these stupid thoughts.  You’ve moved on.  You’re happy.  I’m the one who is doing this to myself but only because I can’t go a day without thinking about you.

I’m with Pam and we’ve been together since last July.  She’s really good to me.  She’s thoughtful, sensitive, and has never made me feel like I was stupid.  And she gets my stupid Simpsons quotes.  And she laughs at my jokes.  I can let my guard down, for once.  But she’s not as beautiful as you are.  I’m not as sexually attracted to her as I was with you. 

Right now, I’m deciding between getting a job in NYC (and staying with Pam) or going to Austin.  If I stay in NYC, I would still be with Pam.  But we don’t have sex more than once a week.  When we do have sex, I find it hard (pardon the pun) to get aroused.  WIth you, it was easy.  We made love in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night.  You are sexy.  I was so turned on by you.  I was drunk, happy, carefree.  With Pam, we take showers before making love, after we agree that we’ll have sex.  There’s little spark and no passion.  I’m sure she feels it too.  She’s probably with me because she loves me (I love her too) and maybe because she feels like she can’t do better.  I’m with her because I want to be with someone, for once, where I feel comfortable.  I’m sad that the person I feel comfortable with is someone to whom I’m not sexually attracted.

I could just stay in NYC and break up with Pam.  But that won’t work.  She’ll never want to talk to me again and I’ll lose her friendship.  She’s pretty much the only friend I have right now in the city, so I’ll be alone again.  Just like when you broke up with me.  As terrible and weak as it may make me look, I don’t want to be alone.  Being single is one thing but being alone is another.  Lisa, when you broke up with me, I went through a horrible depression, one that I’m starting to get out of now.  But because I’m not as drunk in love with Pam as I was with you, I may never stop obsessing over you.  I need to replace you.  Sometimes when I make love to Pam, I think of you so I can get aroused.  It’s embarrassing and ironic, considering how fat I am and how you must have repulsed to make love to me.

So I can go to Austin and possibly lose the emotionally fulfilling, though sexually frustrating, relationship witih Pam, or I can stay in NYC and grow up and realize that sex and passion aren’t everything.  Or stay in NYC and break up with Pam, knowing that I’ll lose her as a friend as well.  Lisa, considering that I’m in this situation, I think my debt is repaid.  I’ll be unhappy no matter what I do and you’ll still be the love of my life, long after you dumped me and found happiness.  Any blow up or stress I showed you is nothing considering you’ve gotten over it so long ago but I’m going to be unhappy for more than a year after you’ve found happiness.  Maybe I deserve this.  Maybe not.  In any case, as if you don’t know, I’m sorry.  Knowing that I have more unhappiness ahead and more uncertainty in life, I think my debt is repaid.

Ooops…

3 Aug

So apparently Friendster has a feature, like any social networking site, where you type in your email address and password and it will invite friends who you’ve emailed from said account.  Except, unlike Facebook, you have to check a box that says “review before inviting” or some such thing.  If you don’t check the box, it will automatically send the invite.  Of course Lisa was in my gmail account.  And so she probably got an invite from me.  Of course this is after she removed me from her Friendster account.  I’m an idiot.

— update —

My dad called me today and asked me about this strange Friendster email.  Yikes.  Everyone, even people I’ve interviewed for jobs, recruiters, professors must have gotten this Friendster invite.  Damn.

Been a while…

3 Aug

It’s been a while since I last wrote what turned out to be a drunken tired/lovenote. Since then, strange things have happened.

I was offered a job in the Bay Area working for a startup. The salary would have been decent and I would have gotten stock options. But I turned it down because I thought I wanted to go to law school. Then, I read some scary stuff and didn’t think I could really cut it as a BigLaw associate long enough to pay back $160k in debt.

So I felt like shit for turning down the job in the Bay Area. I emailed them back, basically begging for it back to no avail.

I was able to get an interview for an entry-level job in Austin, paying about $30k less. I was going to go to law school in Austin, but I’m not sure I want to go. For one thing, I’ve fallen more in like with my gf, Pam. I still don’t love her like I loved Lisa, but Pam’s really good to me. She treats me well and makes me feel appreciated, valuable, and worthy of love.

Part of me wants to stay in NYC with Pam, even though I don’t get as passionate about her as I did with Lisa. Lisa and I made love all the time, we made love on her Brooklyn rooftop, in the mornings, at night, in the middle of the day. Pam and I make love less than once a week. I was so physically attracted to Lisa; just laying in bed with her, running my hands over stomach and chest would turn me on. With Pam, it’s really hard to get aroused. So why am I with Pam?

I’m not sure. I admit this won’t make me sound like a great person, but I’m lonely. When I met Pam, I was still depressed over Lisa (4 months after we broke up). And I just wanted a distraction. I was really surprised with got along so well. It really is amazing. I still get along with Pam so well. At the time, though, the distraction from my lonely weekends was nice. A year of being with Pam and I’m finally really feeling like she’s my girlfriend. I’m not as physically attracted to her as I would like (look, I’m no Brad Pitt either, I admit. In my sadder moments, I think I’m fat and ugly) but part of me thinks it would be shallow to break up with someone just based on looks. Looks fade but how you get along with someone stays forever, right?

So part of me wants to go to Austin and maybe start new. The other part wants to stay in NYC and see where things with Pam will go. We may never get married but who knows. I admit that, at age 27, it seems like everyone is pairing off and the pool of eligible women is shrinking.

As for Lisa, I sometimes Google her name, curious as to what she’s up to. Sometimes I still look at her Facebook profile (it’s restricted to friends only–we’re not friends. She hates me for something I did after we broke up. Maybe I’ll write about it another time–you’ll hate me for what I did) and it says she’s still in New York but I have no idea what she’s doing. I imagine she’s probably engaged to Ben, the thin, white, rich actuary who, according to her, “looks good naked.” They’re going to make a bunch of money in NYC, then move out somewhere and buy a house together. She’ll go to medical school and make money too but scale back to take care of the kids. Her kids will be “smart,” because they both have 145+ IQs. I remember when we were together she didn’t want kids. After 4 months of dating Ben, she wanted 2 kids and was sure they would be smart. I remember feeling both disposable and stupid after she told me this. They’ll have a large, traditional Jewish wedding where her friends and parents will be so happy. Her parents are so relieved their daughter found a nice man, not the non-Jewish, non-Christian, non-white I am. I’ll probably be single and make a lot less than 6 figures and still be living with roommates.

But I don’t want this to sound like a pity speech. I’m trying to get control of my life, after a year-long depression after she dumped me. This blog is part of the process. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ll try to be better about that.