Tag Archives: break up

how much do I owe you?

4 Aug

When can I be free?  How much do I owe you?  I know we broke up over 1 year ago, and I’m over you for the most part, but why do I think about you still?  Part of it is probably due to this blog, where I basically force myself to write about how turmoiled I felt my life has been since our breakup.  But I think it’s more than just this blog.  Before I started putting up these thoughts, I was thinking about probably at least once per day (and, ashamedly, Googling you every so often).

I know I messed up terribly when we were together: I was stressed, I was insensitive, I didn’t take you hiking or camping, I was wrapped up in my pathetic attempt to start a little side business while studying the LSAT.  I know I blew up at you for no reason, other than I felt I had no outlet for my stress.  And I’m sorry.  Deeply, profoundly, irrevocably sorry.  But, over a year later, do I owe anything else?  I apologized to you.  I cried and punched my pillow in frustration.  I lost you.  You found Ben and you will marry him and live happily ever after.  My debt’s repaid.

The thing is, I would guess that you think I should move on, get a life.  You’re right.  You’re also not the one forcing me to write these stupid thoughts.  You’ve moved on.  You’re happy.  I’m the one who is doing this to myself but only because I can’t go a day without thinking about you.

I’m with Pam and we’ve been together since last July.  She’s really good to me.  She’s thoughtful, sensitive, and has never made me feel like I was stupid.  And she gets my stupid Simpsons quotes.  And she laughs at my jokes.  I can let my guard down, for once.  But she’s not as beautiful as you are.  I’m not as sexually attracted to her as I was with you. 

Right now, I’m deciding between getting a job in NYC (and staying with Pam) or going to Austin.  If I stay in NYC, I would still be with Pam.  But we don’t have sex more than once a week.  When we do have sex, I find it hard (pardon the pun) to get aroused.  WIth you, it was easy.  We made love in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night.  You are sexy.  I was so turned on by you.  I was drunk, happy, carefree.  With Pam, we take showers before making love, after we agree that we’ll have sex.  There’s little spark and no passion.  I’m sure she feels it too.  She’s probably with me because she loves me (I love her too) and maybe because she feels like she can’t do better.  I’m with her because I want to be with someone, for once, where I feel comfortable.  I’m sad that the person I feel comfortable with is someone to whom I’m not sexually attracted.

I could just stay in NYC and break up with Pam.  But that won’t work.  She’ll never want to talk to me again and I’ll lose her friendship.  She’s pretty much the only friend I have right now in the city, so I’ll be alone again.  Just like when you broke up with me.  As terrible and weak as it may make me look, I don’t want to be alone.  Being single is one thing but being alone is another.  Lisa, when you broke up with me, I went through a horrible depression, one that I’m starting to get out of now.  But because I’m not as drunk in love with Pam as I was with you, I may never stop obsessing over you.  I need to replace you.  Sometimes when I make love to Pam, I think of you so I can get aroused.  It’s embarrassing and ironic, considering how fat I am and how you must have repulsed to make love to me.

So I can go to Austin and possibly lose the emotionally fulfilling, though sexually frustrating, relationship witih Pam, or I can stay in NYC and grow up and realize that sex and passion aren’t everything.  Or stay in NYC and break up with Pam, knowing that I’ll lose her as a friend as well.  Lisa, considering that I’m in this situation, I think my debt is repaid.  I’ll be unhappy no matter what I do and you’ll still be the love of my life, long after you dumped me and found happiness.  Any blow up or stress I showed you is nothing considering you’ve gotten over it so long ago but I’m going to be unhappy for more than a year after you’ve found happiness.  Maybe I deserve this.  Maybe not.  In any case, as if you don’t know, I’m sorry.  Knowing that I have more unhappiness ahead and more uncertainty in life, I think my debt is repaid.

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Let’s start at the beginning.

19 Apr

It started when Lisa broke up with me. Since she left and found someone else (less than a month later!), I have been miserable.

I moved to New York in July 2005.  I didn’t know anyone and felt a bit lonely.  So I signed up with match.com.  I emailed Lisa and we later met for the first in Coney Island.  She was cute.  I was excited to have someone in my life.

She tried to break up with me a few times, the earliest in Dec 2005.  I don’t know why.  I fought to keep it together and we still kept at it.  Despite that, I was happy.  We laughed a lot, were affectionate to each other, and even made love on her Brooklyn rooftop.

She claimed we fought a lot, but I don’t think that was the case.  She often made comments that she didn’t want to get married and wanted to spend the rest of her life traveling and not settling down.  I felt anxious.  I thought she was trying to push me away with subtle and not-so-subtle hints.  I tried to do what I could to make things easy for her.  I tried to start a business that would make us enough money so she could live abroad and travel.  I was so stressed with starting this tutoring business that I was unpleasant to be around.  We yelled and fought, mostly because I was stressed.  Sometimes I felt like I was doing this for us–for her–and that she didn’t care.  But I never told her that that was why I was starting the business, that it was for her.  I think she thought maybe I was just trying to make a quick buck.

Anyway, we broke up on Feb 24, 2007.  She emailed me and told me it was over.  I found she put a profile in match.com and in less than 3 weeks, she was with someone.  An actuary who makes over $100,000 per year.  So just like that I was replaced.  I’ve been depressed ever since.