Tag Archives: single

Been a while…

3 Aug

It’s been a while since I last wrote what turned out to be a drunken tired/lovenote. Since then, strange things have happened.

I was offered a job in the Bay Area working for a startup. The salary would have been decent and I would have gotten stock options. But I turned it down because I thought I wanted to go to law school. Then, I read some scary stuff and didn’t think I could really cut it as a BigLaw associate long enough to pay back $160k in debt.

So I felt like shit for turning down the job in the Bay Area. I emailed them back, basically begging for it back to no avail.

I was able to get an interview for an entry-level job in Austin, paying about $30k less. I was going to go to law school in Austin, but I’m not sure I want to go. For one thing, I’ve fallen more in like with my gf, Pam. I still don’t love her like I loved Lisa, but Pam’s really good to me. She treats me well and makes me feel appreciated, valuable, and worthy of love.

Part of me wants to stay in NYC with Pam, even though I don’t get as passionate about her as I did with Lisa. Lisa and I made love all the time, we made love on her Brooklyn rooftop, in the mornings, at night, in the middle of the day. Pam and I make love less than once a week. I was so physically attracted to Lisa; just laying in bed with her, running my hands over stomach and chest would turn me on. With Pam, it’s really hard to get aroused. So why am I with Pam?

I’m not sure. I admit this won’t make me sound like a great person, but I’m lonely. When I met Pam, I was still depressed over Lisa (4 months after we broke up). And I just wanted a distraction. I was really surprised with got along so well. It really is amazing. I still get along with Pam so well. At the time, though, the distraction from my lonely weekends was nice. A year of being with Pam and I’m finally really feeling like she’s my girlfriend. I’m not as physically attracted to her as I would like (look, I’m no Brad Pitt either, I admit. In my sadder moments, I think I’m fat and ugly) but part of me thinks it would be shallow to break up with someone just based on looks. Looks fade but how you get along with someone stays forever, right?

So part of me wants to go to Austin and maybe start new. The other part wants to stay in NYC and see where things with Pam will go. We may never get married but who knows. I admit that, at age 27, it seems like everyone is pairing off and the pool of eligible women is shrinking.

As for Lisa, I sometimes Google her name, curious as to what she’s up to. Sometimes I still look at her Facebook profile (it’s restricted to friends only–we’re not friends. She hates me for something I did after we broke up. Maybe I’ll write about it another time–you’ll hate me for what I did) and it says she’s still in New York but I have no idea what she’s doing. I imagine she’s probably engaged to Ben, the thin, white, rich actuary who, according to her, “looks good naked.” They’re going to make a bunch of money in NYC, then move out somewhere and buy a house together. She’ll go to medical school and make money too but scale back to take care of the kids. Her kids will be “smart,” because they both have 145+ IQs. I remember when we were together she didn’t want kids. After 4 months of dating Ben, she wanted 2 kids and was sure they would be smart. I remember feeling both disposable and stupid after she told me this. They’ll have a large, traditional Jewish wedding where her friends and parents will be so happy. Her parents are so relieved their daughter found a nice man, not the non-Jewish, non-Christian, non-white I am. I’ll probably be single and make a lot less than 6 figures and still be living with roommates.

But I don’t want this to sound like a pity speech. I’m trying to get control of my life, after a year-long depression after she dumped me. This blog is part of the process. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ll try to be better about that.

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